Divine Hot Line
by Kuneko
Summary: "Holy moly, you're… the Harvest Goddess," "And you have an impeccable sense of fashion, my dear." / In which Alice meets the only diva bigger than herself in Leaf Valley and enjoys an unsolicited divine revelation - almost.


**/ Author's Note: **This is a little oneshot for _Harvest Moon: Hero of Leaf Valley_ – which I _sincerely _wish was written about more – about the little prima donna/CEO of the Funland Company, Alice! As much as I want to marry Lyla or Gwen in my file, I always have a hard time sticking to it after encountering one of Alice's scenes… She's just So. Damn. Cute. Seriously XD. Even though _Leaf Valley_ is a remake of _Save the Homeland_, you may still be a little lost, as Alice and Renton are new characters exclusive to the remake.

As with any humor fic, the personalities are _slightly _exaggerated, which I'm quite aware of. Also, I don't own Harvest Moon, I own nothing, blah blah blah. Alrighty, enjoy!

And please… if reading this, in any way, inspires you to write more _Leaf Valley_ fanfiction, please do so and quench my never-ending thirst for it XD **End Author's Note/**

**- The Divine Hot-Line -**

"Renton, if there's a _word _in the _entire English language _that will get my _pure disdain _across in a more efficient manner than 'No', tell me now so I might use it and dissuade you from whatever scheme you're concocting."

Birds deserted their branches, squirrels scampered behind trees, and a sole turtle – with unforeseen speed – crawled back into the nearby pond, as two figures, akin to a princess and her servant, burst into the clearing. Alice puffed up her cheeks, wrenched her arm from Renton's grip, and stamped her designer heels on the earthy ground beneath her, "You can't _possibly _think you can handle me like that! You… You… I'll _fire _you, is what I'll do!"

"Puh-_lease, _Boss. Y'might be the boss of us, but your _dad's _your boss, Boss, and only _he _can make such a boss-y decision," replied the cheeky subordinate, his two buck teeth joining his others in a toothy smile, "And anyway, if you'd just follow along, you'd see that what I've found is _not _a waste of time."

"I'm finding _that _hard to buy," She crossed her arms obstinately, "Especially since it interrupted my – my reading time."

"Seeing as what you were _reading _was _Tiffany & Co.'s _new mail-order catalogue, I'd say your buying habits are _hardly _impaired."

Tongue having fled to the corner of her cheek, Alice tapped her foot with growing ire – not only for her underling's sudden audaciousness, but for the area he had forcibly brought her to. The pair stood before a quaint pond, sunken into the earth which rose like a wall around it. Its earthen backdrop was laden with climbing plants and delicate blossoms – it was like a setting rent from the pages of a fairy tale. And Alice _abhorred _it.

"Now just watch this," Renton, already short in stature, bent further towards the ground and began scanning the area for something. Moments later, he shot back up again, unable to find whatever he was looking for, and instead looked Alice over again – from her pure white hair to her fashionable black ensemble to her red sash to her golden heels. In a quick movement, he snatched the brooch off her blouse - "Aha, that'll do. You have, like, three others just like this one, right Boss?"

"Hey—"

The Boss' voice failed her as the next thing she heard was a '_plop' _and realized what Renton had done.

"You… You _egghead!_" shrieked Alice, convinced Renton had lost his mind, "_First _you _manhandle me _and drag me out of the comfort of my home into all this – this _icky _nature, _then _you completely violate my personal space and _dare _to touch my clothes, and on top of it all you throw my favourite brooch into this _stupid _puddle! Renton, _mark my words _– … _Now _you have the nerve to _shush _me? You are _so _–"

Renton apparently had reason to press his finger to his lips, as something seemed to stir in the pond. From the water itself, pins of light began erupting, eventually growing brighter until a pillar of pure white enveloped the area of the basin.

As soon as the light faded, seconds later, the pair found themselves facing a woman – a _winged _woman, hovering ever so slightly above the surface of the pond. Her amethyst-colored hair swayed alongside her flawless – as in, literally _free _of _flaw – _face, and her dress shone with the seven colours of the rainbow, just as it had been said to in every story of the fabled Goddess ever told.

"Ha, I _knew _I wasn't imagining it when that farmer threw that turnip—"

"Holy _moly, _you're… the Harvest Goddess," said Alice, staring up into the visage of the deity spoken of only in myths and legends.

"And _you _have an _impeccable _sense of fashion, my dear." While Alice was drinking in this vision of otherworldly beauty, the Goddess was fixing a very familiar brooch to her bosom, and had eyes only for it.

Nearly tipping over as she made a grab for it, Alice exclaimed, "H-Hey! That's mine!"

"Ah, the never-ending greed of you teenage girls; how I tend to forget while away from the mortal plane," The Goddess smiled down at the white-haired girl, "Not to be _nit-picky, _but the gold?" she tapped the golden frame of the brooch, "Oh, right, mined from _my _earth. And the gems? Oho, I do think those were wrenched from _my _earth as well! And this pretty little shape – is it supposed to be a butterfly wing? Yeah, butterflies, those were kind of _my _invention. But no, no, by all means, go and claim ownership over this pretty little bauble. Even setting that aside, _you_ just offered this as a sacrifice – to _me, _in case that was unclear – which now makes it _mine._ Teehee."

Alice stood, dumbfounded, at the edge of the pond, dangerously close to falling in. Anger visibly rose in her from toe to head - from her clenched toes to her pin-straight back to her silver hairs standing on end to her face flushing with colour, "Oh, really, _REALLY? _You, lady, have _no _idea how sued you are going to be when my father gets wind of this!"

"Y'know," the Goddess idly examined her nails, "There's something funny about those lawsuits, they always seem to have a little loophole somewhere that prevents you all from suing, well, _deities._" With a laugh as silvery as the hair of her current plaything, the Goddess spun around with a flourish. "Now then, I _usually _only appear to those with purity of heart – which, seriously honey, you need to work on – but I wasn't about to turn down such a lavish gift. I _guess _that entitles you to some sort of favor on my behalf."

"_Give me back my brooch!_"

The Goddess ignored this.

Pulling back the feisty girl before she drowned herself in an attempt to strangle the deity, Renton tugged Alice's ear closer to his level, "Listen, I saw that farmer boy –"

"His _name _is Jack," she corrected him touchily.

Eyebrow raised and a snicker craftily passed off as a cough, Renton continued, "I saw _Jack_ toss some vegetable into that pond in exchange for some – some kind of spiritual guidance. I was _thinking _we could – "

"Oh oh oh! We could get her to work for us and open up a _wicked _fortune telling booth once we've erected Funland!"

"… Well, that's always an idea, but this involves you a little more directly, Boss. See, I knew Charles would _never _agree to this – heck, he wouldn't even understand _why _we're doing this – so I thought the best opportunity would be when he wasn't around. Y'see, the kind of spiritual guidance that guy – Jack – got, was of the romantic variety."

"Yeah, I'm a regular divine hot-line around here, it seems," The Goddess' remark went largely unnoticed.

Renton's words combined with the devilish look in his eyes – never mind that they were obscured by sunglasses – had Alice reeling away from the balding man, "I – I – I have _no _interest in _romantic _guidance, _thank you very much. _I have a business to run, I have an entire theme park to build, I have … _meddling, disrespectful _ lackeys to deal with!" She spat at him with as much scorn as she could muster.

"You aren't just a teensy bit curious, Boss? I mean, here you are, in front of an omniscient and all-knowing Goddess, who has the power to both reveal and improve your love life, and you'd honestly pass that up? Well, okay, if y'say so –"

"Wait."

Renton didn't bother to conceal his crafty smirk, "Yeees?"

"It wouldn't… _hurt. _And I am… I mean, _why? _Why does this interest you so much?"

Renton held his hands behind his back and cleared his throat softly, "Well, Boss, there're just some things that sometimes Charles can't see, and that sometimes the Boss can't see, but that good ol' Renton can see in plain sight. Which leaves it up t'him to get things done around here." Peering through his tiny shades, Renton felt his Boss' scrutinizing gaze on him. He added, "Now, I'll just leave you two ladies alone, shall I?" and strolled further down the path until he was out of sight.

"That meddling buffoon…"

"Y'know, if this takes any longer, I'm gonna ask for those _gorgeous _earrings of yours – they'd match _my _new brooch splendidly."

Head snapping back to the Goddess who was progressively getting on Alice's nerves, the silver-haired girl stepped forward again, "Fine, fine. Since you've _graced _me with your Goddessly presence –"

" - And I've been _so wonderfully _graced by yours –"

" - I guess I shouldn't squander this," she finished through gritted teeth, "Not that I care _one whit _about… romance, but fine."

"So tell me then, Princess, who is it?"

Shrugging off the nickname she had earned herself, Alice responded, "Do you mean to ask me if I've got eyes for any of these country bumpkins?"

"Well, I didn't say _that, _but if that's what's at the forefront of your mind…"

The white-haired girl let out a hot puff of air, "The nerve of you! To claim that I've fallen for someone of such inferiority!"

"Again, I didn't quite _say _that, dear, but –"

"This town is filled with simpletons! They spend their days _cutting logs _and _gutting fish _and… and _touching _animals! There are these little things called 'standards', Goddess, which I _possess, _and which prevent me from falling in love with such simple beings."

"Which one of us is the _Goddess _again? I'm starting to wonder," putting a slender finger to her cheek in mock-thought, the actual Goddess rolled her eyes, "Wanna know another funny thing? It's kind of hard to lie to omniscient beings, 'kay? Might wanna keep that in mind, honey."

Alice scoffed and suppressed a laugh of her own. "_Lie? _How delusional _are _you?"

"… Said the pot to the kettle."

"These people have no grasp on culture, have no _manners, _and can hardly dress themselves! I mean, suspenders and a backwards baseball cap, _really? _And his _hair, _I mean - I nearly handed him my _hairbrush _out of pure charity!"

"Him?"

"Him! Jack!"

"When did we start talking about _Jack?_" The Goddess smiled slyly.

"When you _claimed _I was in love with him!"

Alice stood before the Goddess, fists clenched, eyes burning, and – unbeknownst to her – heart aching. The Goddess, in turn, raised her eyebrows and laid her piercing gaze on the youth's face. In such a case as this, she need not even tap into her omniscience and look any further – everything was clear as the crystal earrings the girl wore.

"Right, how _silly _of me," she grinned, putting her hands on the small of her back and stretching lazily, "Clearly, my dear, you have things figured out for yourself. Why I even _tried _to intervene is beyond me. Ah, Mortals…" The deity flicked her wrist out and smiled wryly.

"You claim to be all-seeing, then you turn around and tell me I'm in love with that homely, raggedy, _dirty _hillbilly! You're a _sham!_"

"Sure I am, dear, sure I am."

Crossing her arms and conjuring up the most contemptuous face she could muster, Alice stood her ground and demanded, with the conviction she learned from all her years at her father's side, "I want my money back."

The Harvest Goddess adjusted the brooch ever so slightly on her top and let out a final laugh before fading out of existence once again, the Goddess' voice lingering on the wind surrounding the mystical pond:

"Sorry, pumpkin - No refunds."


End file.
